Jun. 22nd, 2013

danuv: (repose)
I've spent a lot of time this week watching what I'm sure is a fairly trashy UK archaeology show. It is light and entertaining and is constantly reminding me how much I love learning about tangible links with the people of the past. I always wanted to be an archaeologist when I was a kid though then it was of the biblical variety.

In early August, Issy goes back for her last year of middle school, Rhiannon goes to her first year of high school (cripes!) and Jack is starting preschool. His hours are not really long enough for me to do anything productive with (he's in from 9:30-1:30) but I really need to spend the next year figuring out what I want to do with the rest of my life.

I can think of a number of options that seem appealing. There's a state college down on the southside of town where our State Archives moved to that has an archival studies degree, or I could go and study history or to be a librarian. I suspect I'm well suited for any of those and would enjoy those careers. There are some areas of Atlanta's history that I don't feel have been well researched that I'd love to delve more deeply into.

There are a few problems with me going to school. First there's my mental state. When I try to imagine even going to the closest college here (GA State) my stomach knots up and I feel like puking. It's just an overwhelmingly terrifying thought. I've gotten my depression under control for now... haven't had a major blurp (a not a word word) of it since early fall but I know my anxiety is ... well not something I can deal with.

I never went to college, never took my SATs, never filled out an application, never took any basic classes. I can even fathom having to take any sort of math classes. I sucked at it in high school and I'm quite sure what little I struggled to learn has left me entirely, also it feels like an enormous waste of time.

Thirdly, even if I got those issues under control is it even worth doing at this point? Will I be employable in a field I actually have any interest in? College is expensive and I have two girls who are going to be headed there in fewer years than I like to think about.

I -have- to do something because I know that me + no kids in the house eventually will lead to serious depression. It's a matter of self worth. I LOVE learning things and I think for someone who never went to college I can hold my own in some areas. Ok so they are really weird areas but hey.

I feel like this is the same ground I've been treading for years and years. Putting it off for another 6 years by having Jack might not have been the most courageous or brightest thing to have done but damn I love that kid and I've never regretted having him for one second. But really I'm an awful homemaker and never found the kind of deep satisfaction in being a mum that some people get. I've always had to hold on to some other identity for myself. Part of me wishes that I did and that I had some kind of crafty artistic talent so I could just hobby myself on into the future but it's just not me.

I'm very aware of how lucky I am to be in the position where I don't have to worry about earning a living or anything so this isn't really a complaining or whining thing. I'm grateful but if I could just blink myself a new life I'd wish us all to the UK where I could volunteer on dig sites for the rest of my life. Damn that'd be fun.


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