(no subject)

I tried to go to sleep already but as hard as I tried I couldn't drift off. My mind kept ruminating over thoughts of friendship and love. There have been people who've passed through my life, been given a piece of my soul and then abandoned my friendship.... recently even. I've tried not to let it make me hard and now I wish I had. I'm so tired of hurting and feeling alone. Why is it so hard to find people who understand you in this world and why is so hard to maintain a good relationship with the few that you do find? I just feel so abandoned. Will there never be someone who sees all of who I am and still wants me in their life? Still wants all of me? I am tired of feeling like a burden to those people who care about me. I am tired of feeling needy. I am tired of needing. I am just so fucking tired... and I can't sleep.
Yeah, I felt myself getting depressed last week. Must be the moon. Sorry. I took Tylenol PM for the first time in a couple of years. Soon I should be drifting off. It's probably good that I don't have anything stronger. If I didn't have children to care for I would probably crawl into bed with a few books and stay there for a week or so. Too bad I can't chalk it up to hormones. Nope this is just what I am like when my self loathing comes out to play... well no this is what I am like when I am trying not to let it come out to play. Vacillating between rage and depression destruction and despair. Fuck... can I please just implode now?